It's An Anniversary

Two years ago I got laid off.

It was an all-around shitty deal. As I've come to believe, layoffs are a failure of the top management. Only in sports are those at the top given the axe. If the strategy fails and the players screw up, the players don't get fired. The coach gets fired.

Too bad it doesn't work like that in the real world. The big boss can completely earn more than he's worth, then set a strategy ensuring failure, and then when things inevitably go south, what happens? Layoffs.

How does this make sense? Do the workers in staff positions make the big decisions that run the thing aground? Of course not.

Anyway. The bureaucrat responsible for my layoff was a cold fish who to this day has never worked in the private sector. After sucking at the government teat his whole life, he landed this cush job making six figures via a contact in his good-ol-boy network. As he no doubt learned in his government gig, he instilled a climate of silo management and fear, developing a total top-down, suck-up-to-move-up atmosphere.

Although the business was on the surface very people-oriented, that wasn't this guy's personality. Everyone else there (with one notable exception) was good with people. This guy was just a phony. I still cannot fathom how an NPO with an overall budget of $1.5 million a year can justify paying its CEO more than $100,000 a year. But I guess that's me.

The title of this post is a poke. Bearing this title, Mr. Warmth used to send a company-wide e-mail every year on an employee's anniversary. I always saved them to use for employee news. What I found out after the first year was that he essentially re-sent the same e-mail every year. I thought it was lame and insulting. First, that someone was that lazy who couldn't be bothered to create something authentic and not canned every year. We didn't even have 30 employees... it wasn't like he had to look hard to find out about his people. But that would have taken an effort.

The limp attempt at annual recognition was apparently not worth the bother. For me, I found it demeaning. I wasn't so stupid that I didn't know he'd made no effort to be heartfelt, sincere and original.

This is not what this post was supposed to be about.

***

The last two years have been hard. We had gotten out of debt and built savings of $10,000. Not Rockefeller, but more than I'd ever had on hand in my life.

Then suddenly I was without an income. I got some UI for a while, then managed to land a part-time job. Then we moved, and I started all over. The savings is almost completely gone. Further, we now have some debt. I don't want to get into the gory details, but let's just say without a major change, we're beholden to some others for the near-term future. That +10k is now the opposite.

All because a short-sighted exec with no real-world business experience was running the show. Military men aren't great at taking suggestions from people smarter than they are, unless they're higher in rank.

Yes, Colonel Clink, I am and will always be smarter than you. I don't know how you sleep at night. You put my family in a real hard way. You put others in an even tougher position. Did you ever think about cutting your own salary to make sure others weren't hurt? No, you didn't. I know because your pay is public record. You're one of those clueless hypochristians.

But this is not what this post was supposed to be about.

***

Since December, I have been able to work on a freelance basis for our town's public school system. Sometimes it's as a classroom aide, other times it's as a teacher. It's been a marvelous experience, potentially life-altering as I feel a real calling for this work.

I've always been someone who felt like money was great, but not as important if it meant sacrificing some of the fabric of my soul.

Journalism at one time felt that way. There was a nobility to providing a daily historic record of our lives.

Then the business got sold to slackers and hucksters who put a price on truth and booked passage on a slow boat to Idontgiveafuckistan. The people like me who were passionate about the work wound up getting either squeezed out because we'd accrued a living wage and benefits, or because we weren't glossy-eyed kids yet to see the sellout and less ready to question the drift.

Those of us who were journalism lifers had always believed it was holy to confront authority and bullshit. We were all a little stunned to realize how that rot and corruption and mission-shirk had crept into the doored, corner offices. It had always been us against them -- them being the charlatans and chiselers outside the fourth estate. When we found out that the charlatans and chiselers were now our bosses, we became hunted almost to extinction.

Alas, this is also not what this post was supposed to be about.

***

What this post is about is that after working sporadically with these schools, I've not only enjoyed the work but approached each task with the utmost professionalism I can bring to the job. So if I come in expecting to do one thing, and find that I needed to be reassigned to something else, I've smiled and taken on each challenge. This has created some interesting days.

Yet at the end of each one, I've emerged tired, but sublimely happy to be in that environment. I've faced things I never have before, but tried to observe others, use good judgment and pursue the goal of helping young children learn in any way I can contribute.

I always worry about the things I don't do as well with, but I think that's normal for anyone with a conscience. At least, it should be.

This morning I was slated to sub as an aide in a kindergarten classroom. I'd worked with them before, they're great kids.

I was in the room, and went down to the gym to help corral the pre-first bell students. They assemble in the gym awaiting the start of the day.

This morning, the last 10 minutes prior to the bell was a "dance party." Let me tell you, if you don't think seeing more than 100 students dancing, a lot of them in lines, is a great start to the day, you've got things to learn. Adorable.

Kids this age are just without guile.

When I got back to the classroom, I was asked to go down to the office. Turns out I needed to work with a fourth grader who has someone assigned to him to help keep him on point.

I've been put in this role a few times and it isn't my favorite thing. But I admire the district's devotion to the kids who need a little something more, as well as its devotion to making sure the other students have a good shot at a less-distracting work environment.

The day went well. The student was a good kid with some focus issues. I don't know if Hank done it this a way, but I always try and find a way to make a connection with these kids. It's that reporter training coming in handy: if you can get someone to relate to you on a personal level, and break down that barrier, then you can get to some truth.

Kids have underdeveloped minds. That's what school is about, teaching them to develop their intellect. If some kid has some issues that stand in the way of that, when they're my charge I want to help them get over or around those hurdles so that they can get to the learning part of the thing.

I was very cautious and cool around my student this morning. I was told by his teacher -- a phenomenal educator -- that the student had a good rapport with the regular I was standing in for, and that he was sometimes cool to new people. So I felt it was very important to be non-threatening and calm.

In time I found moments to help. The breakthrough came in art class.

For this class, the teacher had an assignment and allowed the students to move to a new location if they wanted to.

He sat at a different table with three other boys. In moments, two of them got up and left the table. My student sensed rejection. He laid his head on his crossed arms on the desk. I think he started to cry. I sat down and placed my hand on his back and asked what had happened.

"They didn't want to sit with me. They left me."

"That's not your fault. That's their decision. I won't leave you. I will stay with you, I want to see your work."

It seemed to turn then. Two other boys at the table completed this odd set. I was pleased when the art teacher came by later, smiled, and said "This is the right mix."

***

A bit later I was called back to the office.

The Conductor told me of an opportunity to do 1-on-1 work with a student through the end of the school year, which runs through June 21. Five weeks.

Of course I will do it. And at almost double the rate of pay, that money will be a real shot in the arm. We need it.

But I would have done it at the same rate, because these people have shown faith in me. They make me feel valued.

Coming two years after someone threw me away like I was trash, it gives me hope.

Always the Bridesmaid...

Got impatient waiting to hear back from the people who told me last week I'd hear back. So I slyly crafted an e-mail saying how busy I had been this week, and if I'd missed a reach-out, wassup?

It got a response. At least now I know.

I'm not first on their list. They've got they eyes on someone else and that someone else is getting the up-close-and-personal followup. My contact said she liked what she heard from me, but that they were looking first at the other or others. If none of them panned out, then I'm still on the list.

Alas. It's not the new I wanted, but at least it is information and a status update, and that's better than not knowing.

So now we all know.

(Ahem)...

... Yeah, still waiting on that callback...

I wrote quite some time ago about what I call "Rejection Etiquette" -- the lack of civility and professionalism from employers who don't acknowledge a job applicant. Even if there are 10,000 applicants for a job, it's incredibly easy for a reply a-mail that says "We got your stuff, if we like it you'll hear from us." That's the least they could do, because it tells the prospect that their material was received, and absolves them of the obligation of any further contact if they're not interested.

It's quite rare, actually, that even that happens.

So last week I had a strong phone interview that ended with the employer saying "We'll get back with you about coming in for a face-to-face interview next week."

Here's how I heard that: "We WILL contact you and we WILL have you come down to learn more about you. You ARE a candidate for this job."

That was Wednesday. It's the following Wednesday. I would like to have heard from them by now.

So I wait. I guess this is one of those that I have to be understanding about their possible scheduling issues and assume that this is just slow-moving. But ... hurry up!

The Ride

It's like a roller coaster or a see-saw. Hope-despair. Optimism-pessimism. Up-down. High-low.

Yeah, I know. You get it.

Long ago I decided that having those great highs were the cost of some abysmal lows. I see those people who are even-keel all the time, and I guess that's a choice, but it's just not the choice for me. It seems like a sort of walking rigor mortis.

Even when that flat line is way above me, I'll navigate my way out of the valley and head back to the pinnacle. But it's tempting to want to settle for something ordinary and still.

I'm trying to climb out of one of those holes right now. There are too many life stressors working on me right now and they're ahead. But the game isn't over. I've always been a fighter.

However, there is a time when it's wise to just retrench. And that's probably my best strategy right now. Just lay low, strategize, and find the right moment to battle back.

But at the moment, I'm not a happy camper. Hope your day is going better.

A New Hope

One thing being a sports fan teaches you is how to deal with disappointment.

Only one team per sport gets to be champion each season. Everybody else is a loser.

Harsh.

In that reality, being second-place -- or "first loser" -- is pretty tough for a fan to take. You make it all the way to the final, only one win away from ultimate glory -- only to watch someone else be crowned champion.

This is akin to what I've experienced in my job search the past two years. Granted, I've actually had some freelance activity, won a part-time job that I could have kept indefinitely prior to the move, and after the move landed the substitute teaching work.

So technically, I've had some employment. But nothing that was steady, nothing that stabilized not just our family finances but the gnawing worry that goes along with being unable to seal the deal.

What's really hurt has been the near-misses. The job editing the alt-weekly that should have been mine and instead went to an underqualified flake who bailed after nine months. The California jobs that I came so close to getting. Those three stand out, but there were others.

It's not like pro golf or tennis or other sports where you can win money without ever winning an event. Finishing second in a job hunt pays the same as finishing 20th -- zed.

Against this backdrop, I'm not letting the successful first two steps make me too giddy. But oh how I want to win this time.

A business here that matches my ideology needs someone with my skillset. I'm 90th percentile, at least. There is a Web component that I'm confident that I can master, but, it will be new, so I honestly have a potential issue there. But otherwise, I'm perfectly suited for this job.

After seeing my resume, they agreed, and mailed me Monday about setting up a preliminary remote interview.

That happened today. And at the conclusion, I was told I will be invited for a face-to-face downtown.

Everyone's process is different, and I've heard of long dances consisting of up to three direct interviews. I've been a part of something like that myself. But this situation seems to me to be one in which if I ace the next test, I'd be within perhaps only one more hurdle of getting the job.

Like the sports fan hoping for the best but guarding against the worst, I am doing everything I can not to be too hopeful, not to agonize over every possibility. Don't count your carp before they hatch.

And of course now I have to wait for an unspecified number of days before I not only know when the interview is, but then wait for it to actually take place.

To stay level, I will keep applying for good jobs, keep my head down and my spirits up, and hope for the best.

April 23, 2009

I cried.

It completely blindsided me. I was part of management, and knew that layoffs were coming. I just didn't know one of them would be mine.

So when I was called in to a meeting with my supervisor, her supervisor and the HR person... I figured it out pretty quickly.

The whole thing took maybe 10 minutes. I was told what was happening, told what my severance situation would be, and a few minutes into it, I was overcome with emotion and began to cry.

Unprofessional. I wish I had handled it better. About 25 months later, I'd get laid off again. I didn't cry then. It still hurt, but I did better.

Losing a job sucks. It makes you question yourself in soul-shaking ways, even when you have no reason to. On April 23, 2009, among more than a dozen others, the most qualified person in his position was also let go. Personally, I feel like I was the far-and-away most productive person at my level. In fact, I was basically doing three jobs in one. And I guess that's why getting the axe shocked me so much.

I have a number of conspiracy theories about who got cut and why. It won't do me much good to review that. What's encouraging is that among my friends who suddenly found themselves without work that day:

* One has taken his extraordinary skills on a cross-country trek and gotten far, far away from those people. I still think he could play in a bigger arena and truly shine -- he's that good. But as long as he is happy, I am happy for him.
* One who had a very sick child has managed to start a career path with a reputable company and is advancing. In a place with limited opportunity, I'm very proud of his accomplishments. He's finally getting the respect he deserves.
* One who was actually torn about fulfilling her professional obligations and pursuing her dreams had the decision made for her, and it was the best thing that could have happened. She took a life-affirming trip, got an advanced degree and is just now starting to make a major mark. It's exciting.
* One exceptional young talent used the opportunity to develop his skills online, starting a mini-movement in his community and leveraged that into a reliable gig with a promising future.

Unfortunately my career has stalled to some extent. I landed a job about a month after the layoff, but it only lasted two years before the economy claimed it (and that of a few others). Snakebit.

I got a part-time job last year but had to leave it when we moved. Here, I've been able to substitute teach a little, and that not only brings in some income but rewards my heart as well.

Yesterday, I got a callback for a preliminary interview. It has sparked my hopes but a long period of underemployment makes me temper my enthusiasm. I don't want to hope too much.

No News is Good News

I've read two stories in the past four days that I tried to avoid but couldn't.

Both of them talked about the grim prospects that the "long-term unemployed" face in getting back on the horse. The first one I read added in the variable of workers in their 40s and 50s.

It wasn't a pretty picture. The first one I just kind of rolled with. The second one was like a punch in the face.

I know it's bad out there. Since getting laid off (twice), I've scrambled. I took a job working overnights in 12-hour shifts that basically had a chief requirement of staying awake. I tried to be as professional as I could given the situation that didn't exactly call for initiative. I mean, this was a contract job that nine folks were hired for, and two of them couldn't even hack it. One figured he could go to his car in the parking lot and sleep for a couple of hours at a time. Another rubbed someone the wrong way and the resulting bunched panties jeopardized the whole contract.

Since relocating I've landed another freelance job with occasional work. But the "real" job has yet to come.

Yeah, I am worried. So worried that as I sit here, I wonder if even taking a few minutes to jot these thoughts down is counterproductive.

I can't *make* someone give me a job. That's really beyond my control. So what I have to do is just work harder at finding an answer, at giving myself chances.

So that's what I will do. The next few days I am going to hunker down and cast a wider net. Maybe that will work.

The other thing I have to do is forget those damned stories. Yes, people in my situation are mostly screwed. I have to find a way to be the exception rather than the rule.