Monday, December 12, 2011

Day 208: Perspective

Yeah, last night I didn't have much.

There's definitely a negative effect that long-term joblessness can create. Sometimes it's almost imperceptible, but when it manifests it becomes pretty obvious.

Last night I watched a football team and my favorite team in sports choked. Big deal. It's just a game, right? Except last night I was overinvested in the outcome. Not financially, but emotionally. And when the ending came, I was crushed. Beyond crushed: for a moment I thought I was going to throw up.

That's ridiculous. It's a stupid game.

But I went to bed in a bad mood. Sleep provided no relief. I had a terrible dream that upset me so much I woke up crying.

The dream wasn't about football. But I think the stress of needing to find work, and having gone so long without, has caught up to me. It's poisoning my mind.

There's no way to sugar-coat this: The last month has mostly sucked. Thanksgiving had family drama that caused lingering tension. Becky died. I had an interview, but I sense I'm once again going to place second (or third, or fourth -- anything other than first is just a degree of losing). I also had a cyber visit from some people who only want to bring me down. I really want everyone to be happy, even the people who don't like me. Can't we all just get along, even if the only way to do so is to ignore each other?

And the holiday season is one that (like for many others) can make me more blue than happy. Without much money, I am unable to purchase gifts for others. I know there are other options, but sometimes it'd be nice to buy an expensive present for my family. I've tried this year to "get into the Christmas spirit" by decorating the house and making an effort. I'm glad to do so because it is a good idea to try and not give into discouragement.

But I'm discouraged.

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