Saturday, January 21, 2012

Day 248: Fits

I look at job listings from a ton of different places. In the last century, one of the job aggregator pioneers was Monster. Now, Monster is one of the least useful search sites I have seen. It yields almost no decent leads. But I still look at it on the off chance it will have something interesting. It was once a lot better than it is now.

Today it had a single listing, for a "consumer jewelry magazine writer."


That's about as narrow a job as there probably is out there. Years ago I had a job where twice a year I had to produce copy for a section devoted solely to boat shows. I have to admit, after several years of boat shows, there aren't a lot of fresh topics available.

I imagine being a consumer jewelry magazine writer faces the same challenges. I'm reluctant to BROOCH the subject. After the first 10 stories, what's left? Some recycle of the same thing.

I have half a mind to apply for this job just to see what kind of response I get. I can only imagine the pitch:

"Jewelry is my life.

"It's been my dream to write about consumer jewelry. If clothes make the man, then jewelry makes the woman. And makes the man do things for the woman.

"Since the dawn of time, humans have been drawn to shiny rocks and elements. It's so important to adorn ourselves with these baubles. It is what separates us from the animals. When was the last time you saw a Bengal Tiger or a Bald Eagle or a Blue Whale wearing jewelry? Never. Because they're savage animals who have no sense of style.

"Jewelry is so important. Just think of how America turned away from the gold standard. That was the beginning of the end for us as a nation.

"The people who can most afford to buy and display fine jewelry are the best among us: celebrities, the wealthy, entertainment icons. The people we aspire to be are those who have bravely carried on the burden of showing the artistry and bounty of nature and those who can craft these raw elements into masterpieces. When I see a beautiful human like Sofia Vergara or 50 Cent, I think to myself: That's God's perfection on display. And the only thing that can make it better is a diamond earring or necklace. Well, in Sofia's case, maybe a pearl necklace."

Consumer jewelry. Jesus.

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