Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Day 279: Who I am

This will be a typical rambler. I didn't even know I was going to write it until two minutes ago, so, as Di would say, "Bear with."

First I will presume that everyone can share in some of these sentiments. And if you can't... for God's sake, share your secrets to success with others! We can use the encouragment.

I am intense. This is not always a good thing. When it comes to competition, I can be a real pain in the ass. In work environments this can be a good thing because it means I will always put a great effort forward and try my best. I want to represent myself and my company through a great job. However, in other settings being intense/competitive does not always work. Instead of enjoying a friendly game of softball or basketball, or fantasy football, I can be cutthroat. Why? What does it matter? Winning is fun, but playing should be its own reward. This is something I must improve.

I am loyal. But I haven't always been. In fact there was a time when Team Me was the only team that could count on me. As Henry Hill said in "Goodfellas" -- fuck you, pay me. This also is not pretty. I'm a lot more of a team player now. If you've stuck with me through the worst of times, that carries a lot of equity. This list is short, BTW. Being loyal means being trusting, and it's hard for me to trust people a lot. I've been burned. Who hasn't?

I have faith. Not faith in religious things... about that, I have many unanswered questions. I have studied religious behavior and religions a great deal. Let's face it: as living beings, we cannot know what happens next. My faith is in the wish of most beings on this planet to be good. I think we mostly strive to be good, to live good lives, to do no harm. I believe that we can all peacefully coexist. I also believe we may be a long way from it, maybe not even in my lifetime. But it's possible. I also have faith that someone will hire me not just to plug a hole but to add someone to their team who will live that profession. It's why I cannot bring myself to apply for a job promoting widgets when I don't care for widgets. I could never represent weapon-makers or Masters of War. I must pursue things that share my values.

Love is not all you need. But it is a lot of it. You have to have the capacity to care deeply about people, even those who don't necessarily return that feeling. This is difficult... sometimes you have to wait a long time. It finally worked with my father. I wanted to give up but I couldn't make that last step. I'm glad I didn't.

I have many flaws to correct. I'm somewhat self-absorbed. This has actually gotten worse as my joblessness has gone on... I spend so much time worrying about it that I don't "water the plants" around me and take time to provide the attention to other matters that I should.

I'm educated just enough to think that I have the answer for just about everything. This is obnoxious and a bad habit I need to adjust. I don't like not being at the top of my class, but sometimes I don't know everything. (It was so hard to write that last sentence.) I want to be the smartest and the best. A lot of times I am. But not all the time. So I need to get over myself.

I don't adhere to Lent, but lint adheres to me. But seriously folks... I'm going to take the season of Lent and conduct an experiment. I'm going to make some sacrifices, starting with soda. It's out. I'm also going to try and avoid all fast food.

Those are the easy choices. The more challenging ones will be trying to be a more considerate and less selfish person. I'm going to try and be the kind of person my dogs think I am.

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