Day 120: Dead Ends

Sometimes you feel so isolated by this. It hasn't been four months without work yet, but today it feels like it's been four years.

Steve Nash, I think, said about playoff basketball that when you win a game you feel like you can never lose, and when you lose you feel like you can never win. I get that.

You can get so caught up in your own worry that you became like a distant dark star, imploding upon yourself. Before you know it you're way out there in the distant galaxy, cold and alone.

I'm not gonna lie, today I feel like everything is hopeless.

If only I was the person my dogs act like I am.

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep. When I sleep it's uncomfortable. It hurts to sleep. How screwed up is that?

Then I feel guilty about sleeping. I should get at least six, hopefully eight hours of sleep. But it doesn't happen when it should, so if I can't feel sleepy until 3, then sleep until 10, I feel like a bum. Which is what I am, Charlie.

Where do people find the will to keep getting up? I've been a proponent of rolling with it all my life... take the shot, get back up and try again. I've never been closer to feeling like that's a big lie.

I see shitty, underqualified people who've never done a damn thing of note with their lives, but they kissed the right asses and had perfect school attendance and look, success. It's so frustrating. I have to admit that it's particularly bad here in Gawd's Country. The Good 'Ol Boy existence is alive and well.

It's weird, but my life was a lot easier when I was a more accomplished liar. I think in the past decade or so I've become a better person, more honest, more willing to step on toes in the pursuit of what was "right" and fair and true. Has it been worth it? This is what really bothers me. Sometimes the price feels pretty expensive.

It's comforting to know that I've lived more honestly, but troubling to know that society doesn't seem to place a lot of value on that. As Michael Moore said, these are fictional times.

I've always preferred non-fiction. Funny.

Freedom should mean plenty of options. But it seems like there are few. And the ones that remain are not all that great.